I have always been fearful in my life. I have had weird fears like talking on the telephone and fear of feet. I have had some deep fears like dying alone, being alone, having nobody that will love me, etc… I have had some common fears like buried alive, things covering my full face, falling/heights, death, crashes, etc… but one fear that I have always had and something that will probably be a huge fear of mine to come is the fear of freedom. I have always been controlled and picked on when I was younger. I was picked on at school and at home, so that controlled me to do what was “right” and not really what I wanted. I really like to be controlled in some instances, but sometimes I really want to be free and do what I really want. I try to hide who I am, because of fear of rejection and fear of non-acceptance, but it isn’t as healthy as I thought it was. I usually am at home way too much, because of fear and compliance. It’s hard to open up about my life and about the hardships. When I do, I get overzealous with friendships, since I never really had any true friendships and it backfires and they despise me afterwards. That may be the reason why I don’t have a girlfriend. I have very high anxiety, depression, and I even think I have some form of Aspergers, as I say some awkward stuff, since I really don’t know what is acceptable to say sometimes. I lived in a world where men were supposed to be strong and non-emotional, so it’s hard to really show my emotions. I have been trying to get people to be my friend and to talk to them about myself and to get people I can trust to talk to about life and my issues. When it comes to fear of freedom, I have troubles with it. All the classes I have taken have been do this particular assignment, which I can do, but when it says to do whatever I want, my mind blows up. I have really no idea what to do, so I ask for help and advice. Fishbowling is a great tool that I use and it helps. The tangible item that I am using is a pair of extra linked handcuffs and a locking collar. I have them for a Cosplay that I do, but they are great for this project. The handcuff are a great controlling item, as I don’t have that much room to maneuver, while the extra links give me more room to move, but I am still locked in. The collar is the same as I am locked in, but when both of them are off, I am free. I am not comfortable being “free”. It’s like a dog that was domesticated that is sent free in the wild. I also will be having one of my costumes on, as it is a symbolization, saying that this is me. I am happy to be something else and not really happy to be me. I am trying to like me more and more, but I still like to be something else, which isn’t a bad thing at all!!! 1. Is the fear you identified for this project a fear, phobia, anxiety, or worry? It is all 4. It is a fear as I fear being fear. I have anxiety when I get to have an open book of ideas and opportunities, I worry about all the freedom that I have, and I have Eleutherophobia (fear of the notion of freedom). 2. In what ways do you notice fear in your life? I have always been a fearful person. I fear everything! I notice that I move around/fidget a lot. I know I scratch my nose a lot. I pace back and forth. I get sad and depressed. I worry about everything. I notice I have lots of fear in my life. 3. What does fear keep you from experiencing? It keeps me from having fun and doing things that I wanna do. If I had friends, I would be rock climbing and laser tagging way more. I would go ballroom dancing and wearing costumes out more often. I would go to more cons and just have a blast. 4. What is the use of fear in your life? It keeps me in line and makes me save. I have never gotten in real trouble with anything. Until this semester, I have gotten straight As for the last 3 years. 5. How does fear affect your life, especially in terms of creativity? Since I have a fear of freedom, it limits the ways I do things, I have to fishbowl my way to doing something. I cant just do anything out of a whim. I have to plan it out and make sure I do it correctly, since I am a perfectionist. 6. What form does your fear take? My fear takes form of anxiety, worry, panic attacks, stress, depression, and nerves. 7. How does making a creative project about your fear impact how you view it? I think this was a good way to conquer my fear or understand the fear that I have. I know that I have a long way to go, but this was good to talk about my fears and what they are and how they impact my life.
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Matt DoddsWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. Archives
April 2015
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